Fourth step resentment list column 4 completion tips.

The Big Book authors say they ask themselves: 

Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dis­honest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situa­tion had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man’s. When we saw our faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight.

 

Additional questions to ask yourself when filling out column 4 of the 4th step resentment inventory.

1) How have I not considered that the person who has "offended" me or to whom I hold resentment might perhaps be spiritually sick? (list character defects which may be preventing this consideration, inconsideration is at the top of this list) See bottom of pg 66 to 67. We realized that perhaps the people who wronged us or we think wronged us were spiritually sick.

This question comes from the first solution AA provides to free us or reduce resentment in our lives.

2) What decisions have I made based on self (the 3 instincts for security, social and sex ) that put me in a position to be resentful? (or fearful -- this question is also useful in the fear inventory). Example: I took a high paying job even though during the interview I got the feeling the boss would be difficult to work for. (took the job out of greed) Now I am miserable and resentful each day because the boss IS difficult to work for and the grief isn't worth extra money!

3) What character defect in my thinking is creating the resentment? What character defect is responsible for me harboring this resentment?
 

4) What character defects drove me to make decisions based on self which put me in a circumstance to be angry? Example: I decided to marry a beautiful spouse for social prestige (instinct) (vanity-character defect) and lust (character defect) even though I saw signs they were dishonest, inconsiderate and selfish. I thought I would be an exception and they wouldn't treat me this way (pride). Now they have cheated and I am resentful and in fear.

5) What wrongs have I done towards the individual to whom I hold resentment that may have had them retaliate and cause me to be resentful. ( from Big Book page 62 first paragraph)

6) Where have I been dishonest with myself? For example, I think a person should have behaved a certain way or said certain things but they did not. If I was honest with myself and took the time to know them better, I may have found that they are incapable of acting or being the way I think they should. This is a form of inconsideration.

List of Character defects to help in filling out column 4

*Inconsiderate (lack of empathy) Thoughtless of others; displaying a lack of consideration.

*Self seeking  (the act or practice of selfishly advancing one's own ends)
*Selfishness : concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others. 
*Self pity
*Intolerant - unable or unwilling to endure
*Pride (Conceit) excessive appreciation of one's own worth or virtue - Self importance, Ego, (exaggerated view of oneself)
*Dishonesty, Insincerity, Lying, Evasiveness
*Hate ( did something out of hate that had a person do something I resent )
*Jealousy, Envy
*Laziness, Sloth, Procrastination
*Critical, Loose Talk, Gossip (enjoy a feeling of superiority) (form of Pride)
*Greed
*Lust -- Intense sexual desire, an overwhelming desire or craving

Most all resentments against people can be reduced to this:

• I am resentful at someone for doing or not doing something.
• I am resentful at someone for saying or not saying something.
• I am resentful at someone for not being the kind of person I would like them to be. 

So resentment has to do with what this person has DONE OR NOT DONE in some manner or another, not just AT the person in general.

In the sex inventory they also ask:

We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsider­ate?

Inconsiderate:

Example of inconsiderate thinking. 

How am I inconsiderate? I lack the empathy or sympathy to see this person is incapable of being the kind of person that would do or not do things as I would like. Or incapable to say or not say things I like. They are not BEING the way I want them to be.

AA says some people, like ourselves are perhaps spiritually sick. The resentment is created by my inability to see this. I lack the perspective or empathy to consider that the person is question may completely lack the ability due to spiritual sickness or other reasons to be like I think they should be so -- I am being inconsiderate.

The resentment portion of the 4th step lists this advice for "mastering" or "escaping" resentment.

 Big Book Page 66 and 67:

How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.
 
This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same toler­ance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, “This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.’’ We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn’t treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one. 

 

 

4th step inventory questions from the 12 and 12 AA book

The 12 Traditions and 12 steps book essays have been a constant inspiration and benefit to me as a practicing AA member and a sponsor. Here I have extracted the inventory questions from the 4th step chapter.

Page 50:

SEX QUESTIONS:

• When, and how, and in just what instances did my selfish pursuit of the sex relation damage other people and me?
• What  people were hurt, and how badly? 
• Did I spoil my marriage and injure my children?
• Did I jeopardize my standing in the community?
• Just how did I react to these situations at the time?
• Did I burn with a guilt that nothing could extinguish?
• Or did I insist that I was the pursued and not the pursuer, and thus absolve myself?
• How have I reacted to frustration in sexual matters?
• When denied, did I become vengeful or depressed?
• Did I take it out on other people?
• If there was rejection or coldness at home, did I use this as a reason for promiscuity?

FINANCIAL AND EMOTIONAL INSECURITY QUESTIONS:

Also  of importance  for  most  alcoholics are the questions they must ask about their behavior respecting financial and emotional security. In these areas fear, greed, possessiveness, and pride have too often done their worst.Surveying his business or employment record, almost any alcoholic can ask questions like these:

• In addition to my drinking problem, what character defects contributed to my financial instability?
• Did fear and inferiority about my fitness for my job destroy my confidence and fill me  with conflict?
• Did I try to cover up those feelings of inadequacy by bluffing, cheating, lying, or evading responsibility?
• Or by griping that others failed to recognize my truly exceptional abilities?
• Did I overvalue myself and play the big shot?
• Did I have such unprincipled ambition that I double-crossed and undercut my associates? 
• Was  I  extravagant? Did I recklessly borrow money, caring little whether it was repaid or not?
• Was I a pinch penny, refusing to support my family properly? Did I cut corners financially?
• What about the “quick money” deals, the stock market, and the races?

Businesswomen in A.A. will naturally find that many of these questions apply to them, too. But the alcoholic house-wife can also make the family financially insecure. She can juggle charge accounts, manipulate the food budget, spend her afternoons gambling, and run her husband into debt by irresponsibility, waste, and extravagance.

EMOTIONAL INSECURITY:

The most common symptoms of emotional  insecurity are worry, anger, self-pity, and depression. These stem from causes which sometimes seem to be within us, and at other times to come from without. To take inventory in this respect we ought to consider carefully all personal relationships which bring continuous or recurring trouble. It should be remembered that this kind of insecurity may arise in any area where instincts are threatened. Questioning directed to this end might run like this:

Looking at both past and present, what sex situations have caused me anxiety, bitterness, frustration, or depression

• Appraising each situation fairly, can I see where I have been at fault? 
• Did these perplexities beset me because of selfishness or unreasonable demands?
• Or, if my disturbance was seemingly caused by the behavior of others, why do I lack the ability to accept conditions I cannot change? 

These  are  the  sort  of fundamental inquiries that can disclose the source of my discomfort and indicate whether I may be able to alter my own conduct  and so adjust myself serenely to self-discipline.

Suppose that financial insecurity constantly arouses these same feelings. I can ask myself:

1) To what extent have my own mistakes fed my gnawing anxieties. And if the actions of others are part of the cause, what can I do about that? If I am unable to change the present state of affairs,am I willing to take the measures necessary to shape my life to conditions as they are?