Quotes from the film "My Name is Bill W."

Here's one of my favorite scenes from the film "My Name is Bill W." James Woods gives a stellar performance as Bill W. A must see for any AA IMHO.

--Bill W. looking out the window, explaining to Lois, why he keeps drinking

I look out the window and watch all the normal people walking by. It's funny I don't think I've ever felt really normal all my life. I feel different somehow, like I don't quite measure up. Ever since I can remember I've had this feeling deep down in my gut -- scared. I see people laughing, at ease with each other. I'm on the outside looking in - afraid that maybe I won't be accepted.

And then overseas I found that a drink, a few drinks makes me feel comfortable, like I always want to feel. It gives me courage to be with people, do things....to dream.

The money, the success, the respect it was all good for awhile, but it never seems enough. I always want doubles of everything, to make me feel alive, worthwhile inside. And then it all began to slip away. I feel cheated, angry, always so full of fear, so I drink, more and it makes it ok for awhile. I convince myself that things will turn around tomorrow, soon, that I'll make it all up to you. But it only gets worse. I keep promising you, others, myself, I'm going on the wagon and I think I mean it. But the guilt and the depression, I can't look in the mirror or at you. Especially you. I've stopped believing in everything, people, God, myself.
I know it sounds insane Lois, but in spite of all this, what I want more than anything else, is another drink.

A Higher Power for atheists.

Fortunately none of the steps demands we have any kind of concept of a higher power so the hoop you have to jump through is a lot wider than you might think.

I was atheist, but I wasn’t stupid. The truth is I was very desperate to beat my alcoholism.  In meetings I heard many AA’s (some with some horrifying stories) share about how they, at first, didn’t have any notion of a God or Higher Power, took the steps and found a small but growing relationship with a Power out there that was relieving their alcoholism. Until AA I was convinced there was no God and laughed at church goers. In desperation I took steps two and three with a very limited, if any, understanding of God. About the only thing I actually knew about God was that something was helping other AA's in the meetings who had done the steps. So I just went with that. As it turns out, that was all that was needed. Steps 2 and 3 don't demand we know what a Higher Power looks like, feels like or sounds like. The Big Book says a willingness to believe is enough to make a beginning. I found willingness and it was enough to make a beginning for me too.

So with that in mind I did the rest of the steps and somewhere into steps 6 and 7 I started feeling some Power helping me. I found it was a lot easier than I first thought. I "faked it before I made it" so to speak. I just went along with what I was told. What else could I do? Reject what seemed to be the only game in town at beating alcoholism? Foolish not to at least try, especially for a hopeless alcoholic like me. What happened? 27 years plus of sobriety and happiness. I came to scoff at first but then remained to pray.

Blogging, AA and recovery.

I have been commenting on a blog by a man who introduces himself as an alcoholic. He believes he is alcoholic and had accosted me for writing on his blog and trying to give him some helpful advice. It's worth repeating some of my replies as I think I've made some good solid points straight from the Big Book of AA.

I just had to write even if you didn't post my last "verbal diarrhea". It takes an alcoholic to think that some guy writing about AA and alcoholism on his blog is trying to control him. Damn it man I'm trying to help you! I believe you are mistaking articulate and informed writing for an inflamed ego. I'll admit I enjoy reading your stories and long for the retirement lifestyle. Promise if you meet me you won't take a swing at me. Although I think you might thank me in a couple of years for being straight and to the point.

I'll tell you, from your replies if I am not on your resentment list I should be. Dare I suggest Nid and the long parade of women who you claim have drove you to drink and harmed you be there too. ~Many alcoholics love to be victims.

It's a standard trait. Goes something like this. "I was just standing there and she came in a screwed up my entire life" "Really mate, I was a saint through the whole thing." I've been a great guy all the while. The world just does it to me every time! How many times I have heard alkys talk this way. Many of us think we are so innocent and the rest of the world just has it out for us. Well, it's all self deception and bad perception as we've created every single problem in our lives. A tough pill to swallow but a necessary one for alcoholics wishing to really work the program of AA. Now, I am not making this up. Look in the book around page 62 and 63.

It was a tough pill to swallow for your's truly. "Our problems are of our own making and they arise out of ourselves". Driven by a hundred forms of fear we make decisions based on self that put us in positions to be hurt. For a long time I just couldn't get that. Then when I did a fourth step i found out that in every single one of the cases where I felt I was wronged. I WAS THE ONE WHO MADE A DECISION THAT PUT ME IN THE CIRCUMSTANCE TO GET WRONGED. A huge revelation for me.

I must say your comments to wallflower were admirable. I do not wish you doom and gloom. I wish you sobriety and above all peace and serenity. These things come at a price though, humility, willingness and open mindedness toward a higher power.

Post or don't post, I hope you read. Be well my friend.

Miracles happen - s&^*%t get's made

What an alcoholic is and is not.

(This is a reply to a casual blogger concerning his drinking and how he stopped after a good strong talking to by friends. He was giving advice to an alcoholic whose blog I have followed)

People who can stop drinking on their own accord through will power are by definition NOT ALCOHOLICS. Real alcoholics by virtue of being alcoholic cannot stop through use of self will. They cannot just one day say to themselves, "I guess it's gone to far I'm going to stop." and then moderate or stop for good.

Heavy drinkers CAN stop by themselves through self will. If you can stay stopped or are able to have the occasional drink after a good talking to by some friends then by definition you are not alcoholic. You can control your drinking. Alcoholics cannot.

Here's an example of a heavy drinker ( not alcoholic ) that I knew from my personal life.
I had grandfather who drank every day. He probably had four or five a day and a few more than that on the weekends. We'd see him fairly stewed most times the family would visit. When the doctor told him that his health was failing due to his drinking he stopped the next day. From then on, till the day of his death, he only had the rare celebratory glass of champagne at a wedding or other suitable occasion. He was not alcoholic.

So I hope this helps to understand what alcoholism is and what it is not. Wait, there's more!

On top of that, alcoholics have what is referred to in AA literature as a "phenomenon of craving" which happens after they have the 1st drink. This information is straight from the doctors opinion at the beginning of the book Alcoholics Anonymous. Ask any real alcoholic. It's a certainty that even after just one drink they develop a craving which drives them to keep on drinking. For alcoholics, it's very rare they can have just a couple of drinks and leave it alone. It's almost always all or nothing. The "phenomenon of craving" is an allergy of the body (from AA text). In other words alcoholics have a different reaction to alcohol then non alcoholics. Non alcoholics can have a few drinks and leave it alone. Nothing happens, life goes on. Real alcoholics have a couple drinks then keep on drinking to inebriation.

A real alcoholic will visit the doctor for a checkup and the doctor might give him news like this; "Sir, if you keep on drinking you'll die in less than a year from liver failure." An alcoholic, even with this dire news in hand might stop for a few days, or maybe even a few weeks, but will eventually drink again, and not just in moderation, but back to usual amounts.

Staying sober without God. Some might die trying..

I was homeless for awhile, I slept in my car many days back in fall of 1992 and lost two jobs in one weekend at a low point. I wanted to stop, tried but could not. I failed on my own 20+ times in 3 years. I went to meetings but that wasn't enough.

My life was literally in the gutter for awhile. The first right thing I did for myself was ask for help in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.

It's the alcoholic ego which almost always gets alcoholics in trouble for they seem to have a yearning to want to "look good" and many lack the humility to admit they don't have all the answers, especially when it comes to their drinking. Many alcoholics first balk at the steps and spiritual ideas in AA. Those desperate enough to try and find the humility to go at it without question experience miracles. That was my experience. Once I gave up trying to do it my way and did it AA's way (working the steps) I stayed sober and have a great life now.

I do not have a personal agenda to see anyone fail in trying to beat the drinking game. More power to you if you can quit for good or moderate with out taking the steps or AA. Although if you be a real alcoholic that happy day may not arrive as, to my knowledge there are no other good or successful alternatives.

I am pretty certain what many mistake for success in beating alcoholism without some form of spirituality are the stories of heavy drinkers putting it down or moderating given sufficient reason. Alcoholics, by AA's definition of the illness, completely lack this ability. AA found that real alcoholics lack control and cannot moderate or stay sober happily for any significant amount of time on self will. Heavy drinkers can.

I have seen people in meetings who have not latched onto a higher power in AA. They do not really try AA. They use the fellowship as a sober social club and don't work the 12 steps. All through AA literature it makes clear seeking a power greater than yourself to solve alcoholism is what the program is all about. Most alcoholics I've known who haven't sought a higher power in AA (through continual practice of the steps and putting them into their lives, are not very happy and some have unfortunate, very tragic endings.

Case in point, I went to many AA meetings in Los Angeles and quite a few of them in my opinion seemed to be attended by people who could simply "put the plug in the jug" and stay sober just through the fellowship. They seemed to have made AA there sober Elks Club or maybe more fitting Hollywood, the drunk squad extension of the Screen Actors Guild. I heard tragic stories of people who were not quite as alcoholic as I, and very lucky, stay sober for 10 years or more and then drink again when a calamity occured which was too much to take. One couple I became familiar with were a supreme example. The husband was sober 12 years and killed himself, this man was a regular attendee of AA. The wife, also an attendee herself then drank again over it. When I went to a few of the meetings they were going to and heard what was being said there I knew what the problem was. Hardly anyone was talking about working the program of AA, they were busy using the meeting as a dumping ground for "what was going on with them". It just seemed more like a therapy session, not Alcoholics Anonymous. Unfortunately the reason many modern day AA groups fail to produce any respectable success rate is that they are too diluted with non-AA program ideas. These ideas come in from therapy sessions and treatment centers which charge exorbitant fees to embellish the AA program or make it unique to there business so they can charge for their services. It's a tragic reality of life. I hope many do not pay the ultimate price for it.

The program is simple, it's in the first 164 pages of the Big Book of AA. Once I became humble enough to take a look and really study it I found out how simple it was. But some of it is not easy. There is a price to pay. Some work has to be done. But once I really tried my new life began. That's been my experience. It works if you work it. I found out the hard way. But there is hope -- in doing the 12 steps.

Bring Thehope

Advice for the newcomer.

Complete abstinence from alcohol must be achieved if most alcoholics are to live long. Any real alcoholic abstaining will eventually drink if the alcoholism is not thoroughly treated. Honest doctors will be the first to admit they have no successful treatment for alcoholism. This is because real alcoholics may have a disease which only a power greater than themselves can conquer. Most all people who follow the program of AA (which means working the steps, not just going to meetings) achieve what AA calls a "spiritual awakening". They get a  connection with a Higher Power or "God" through the action of taking the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. When members of AA continue to put the 12 steps in their lives they get a change in personality brought on by a spiritual awakening sufficient to relieve them of their alcoholism. This is the good news of the book "Alcoholics Anonymous".

I highly recommend getting to it and taking the steps for anyone looking to recover from alcoholism or addiction. It can even be done by yourself if a suitably motivated AA sponsor in your neighbourhood cannot be found. One only really needs another person for the 5th step and 12th steps.

Some may say "I've been going to lot's of meetings isn't that enough?" Well ask any real alcoholic if just going to meetings is enough. Real alcoholics can't stay sober just on meetings. I know this from personal experience. The Big Book says "That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism". For people reading this who have continued to drink or drank again even while going to lots of meetings, let me ask, how has going to lot’s of meetings worked for you in the past?

Going to meetings is great, but will not give the desired recovery unless intensive 12 step work is done too. All AA literature speaks to this fact. If  you are a real alcoholic (like the AA book describes) I hope you take my advice.

Something my sponsor told me once. If you keep doing what your doing, you’ll keep getting what you get. Many alcoholics pay the ultimate price finding this out too late.

Untreated alcoholism and the alcoholic

One of the strange things about alcoholism is that the way alcoholics go about treating it is to drink. They self medicate. Alcohol is the “medicine” for the alcoholic. When the medicine no longer works and lives start falling apart many of us attempt to abstain. In these usually short periods of abstinence we then suffer from untreated alcoholism and it's symptoms. Symptoms like depression, anxiety, anger, feelings of impending doom, restlessness and discontent to name a few. Myself, I couldn't hold on for more than a couple of months, usually less. All the feelings would mount up and inevitably the time would come when it was all to much too take and I would again seek relief in the bottle. Sometimes it was months, sometimes just weeks, but I'd always go back to the relief I knew - alcohol. So, I'd drink in an attempt to feel better but again I'd get myself into some kind of unwanted trouble. At that point after every binge was regret. I would do something or be unable to do something that would cause me problems. Almost every drunk ended badly. I had torn my life up. Alcohol no longer worked. Every drink would lead to a drunk and every drunk meant trouble. I couldn't even safely have one drink. I knew I couldn't drink anymore but at the same time couldn't quit. So, the question became what to do to treat my alcoholism now that I couldn't use alcohol to treat it. I didn't want to drink again because it caused me nothing but problems. What could I do to stop? How could I recover?

The answer myself and many have found is the 12 step program of AA. Alcoholics Anonymous is a spiritual program which has successfully treated alcoholism for over 75 years. Practicing the 12 step program of AA with support from good solid program based meetings starts the alcoholic on a wonderful journey to a brand new way of life. AA's not only get freedom from alcohol but spirituality, peace and serenity - a new way to live. A way of life without alcohol.

In my early attempts to stay sober I abstained from alcoholism many times, once for as long as 6 months. During those times I never tried the steps, in other words, I didn't treat my problem with the program of AA. If I was lucky and did not drink for awhile, I'd begin to suffer from untreated alcoholism. Symptoms like irritability, depression, anxiety, restlessness, sleeplessness always surfaced. So, when it came to the point where things were unbearable I inevitably drank. It was only until, in desperation, I asked for help and found a wonderful sponsor who did not sugar coat the program or tell me to take it easy and work a step a month. He instructed me to get into action immediately and work the steps as soon as possible. With real alcoholics like me to drink is to die. I have never found any where in the literature that gives instruction to "take your time" with the steps. I have found quite the opposite in fact. For example between the 3rd and 4th step in the book they use the phrase, " next we launched out on a vigorous course of action". Through reading AA history I found that most early AA's did all the steps within weeks. I suspect that's why in those days AA had a 75% success rate; because new members where urged to take the steps soon if they wanted relief, abstinence and recovery.


Here is a quote from one of my favorite AA speakers:

I have never seen anyone get into trouble from working the steps too soon but I have seen many people suffer, drink or die from working them too late or not at all.
                                                                      Paul M. Illinois