Solutions for resentments 4th step

1) New perspective and attitude towards others -- perhaps the people who wronged us were spiritually sick

Big Book page 66 and 67:

This  was  our  course:  We  realized  that  the  people  who   wronged   us   were   perhaps   spiritually   sick. Though  we  did  not  like  their  symptoms  and  the  way  these  disturbed  us,  they,  like  ourselves,  were  sick  too.  We  asked  God  to  help  us  show  them  the  same  toler­ance,  pity,  and  patience  that  we  would  cheerfully  grant  a  sick  friend.  When  a  person  offended  we  said  to ourselves, “This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to  him?  God  save  me  from  being  angry.  Thy  will  be  done.’’ We  avoid  retaliation  or  argument.  We  wouldn’t  treat  sick  people  that  way.  If  we  do,  we  destroy  our  chance  of  being  helpful.  We  cannot  be  helpful  to  all  people,  but  at  least  God  will  show  us  how  to  take  a  kindly  and  tolerant  view  of  each  and  every  one. 


2) Unofficial 4th column from the Big Book:

Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the  wrongs  others  had  done,  we  resolutely  looked  for  our  own  mistakes.  Where  had  we  been  selfish,  dis­honest,  self-seeking  and  frightened? Though  a  situa­tion  had  not  been  entirely  our  fault,  we  tried  to  disregard  the  other  person  involved  entirely. Where  were  we  to  blame? The  inventory  was  ours,  not  the  other  man’s.  When  we  saw  our  faults  we  listed  them.  We  placed  them  before  us  in  black  and  white.  We  admitted  our  wrongs  honestly  and  were  willing  to  set  these  matters  straight.  

(see the last part of this post for questions to ask ourselves in filling out he 4th column of the inventory resentment list)

3) From my personal experience:

Looking at our resentments on paper can sometimes bring out their "childishness" or "silliness". Pop the balloon at how immature our resentments and anger can be. I look at what I've written and say to myself what a brat and jerk I have been to harbor such a resentment.

4) The famous "pray for the person you resent" part of one of the stories.

4th column questions:

A) Where was I not considering that others toward whom I felt resentful were "perhaps spiritually sick". Was I inconsiderate, not understanding or acknowledging that they may lack the ability to be the people I think they should be? Have I been DISHONEST with myself in thinking that people who I resent could do or say exactly the way I think they should? Were my expectations unrealistic that this person would be anybody else than who they or are capable of being?

B) What decisions based on self put me in a situation to be resentful or have to even deal with the person for whom I have resentment. 

Example: resentful at police for my DUI. 

My wrongs in the 4th column: being a selfish alcoholic and despite all warnings of society drinking to excess and not thinking of others in the form of neglecting responsibilities and causing trouble for others) If I had not been driving drunk I would never have gotten the DUI and not have the resentment toward the police now.

Character defect: Selfish, self centered (drank because I wanted to feel the way I wanted to feel despite the consequences to others)

Decisions based on self are decisions which involve trying to satisfy the basic instincts illustrated in the beginning of the Step 4 Essay in the 12 and 12 Book. (see page 62 in the AA Book, first full paragraph to for the origin of this concept)

The 3 Human Instincts

1. Security instinct (Material and emotional)
   
2. Social instinct ( having friends and relationships or social prestige.) Social prestige is about holding or ambitions to hold a position/title within a social group, such as a leader, manager, VP, chairperson etc. The desire to feel prestige in any social group we belong to. Could be the AA fellowship, a position at work or a position within any kind of social club.
   
3. Sex instinct ( the desire to keep sexual relations or ambitions to have sexual relations)

Many times alcoholics and non-alcoholics make decisions based on fulfillment of these instincts (based on self) without fully considering all the possible problems. The fulfillment of these instincts can be so strong (self centered) that the decisions are made hastily without regard to possible problems because the person is solely thinking of fulfillment of one two or all of them. (making the decision based on self) Later these hasty or poorly made decisions may put them into positions to be resentful or in fear.

So we ask ourselves. Did I make a decision in the past trying to fulfill one two or all of the instincts hastily without fully considering problems (red flags) that may occur as a result of the decision. If so then my wrong or character defect is revealed in the motivation behind the decision.

Another example. I resent my wife, she cheated on me. 

4th column: I made made a bad decision in marrying her in the first place. Before I married her I ignored possible problems because she was so beautiful and made me look good to my friends. I ignored her bad temper, her rudeness to people at times. I let it slide when I caught her occasionally lying to me and her friends and went ahead and married her anyway. She was so beautiful and all my friends thought I was a badass to have her as a wife (fulfilling my sexual instinct and my social prestige). So I went ahead an married her even though the red flags were there that she wasn't very honest and kind at times.  It should be no surprise that she cheated on me. She showed me what kind of person she was long before we got married but I ignored the red flags because she was so beautiful and I liked the attention I got from my friends about her.

Character defects: Lazy: didn't leave her even though the red flags were there. Afraid: thought there would never be another one like her for me. Lust: she was so beautiful and the sex was amazing. Pride: I loved the praise from my friends about my beautiful wife.

C) What wrong(s) did I do to the other person that made them retaliate and create resentment towards them? What wrongs had I done to them that had them turn around and mess with me and then be resentful at them for it?

 

My personal experience with the A, B, C's

a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives. 

• I can't stop drinking myself and so therefore alcoholic. My life is unmanageable because while drinking I keep messing it up

 

b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.

• I tried and tried on my own human power to stop drinking and I couldn't. I also tried going to lots of meetings and depending on other humans to stop drinking, it worked for awhile longer but I still drank again.

 

c) That God could and would if he were sought.

• Finally I broke down and stopped thinking my ideas worked for solving my drinking problem. I surrendered in an AA meeting, asked for help and got a sponsor who took my through the steps. From there I stayed sober and been sober the last 26 years... How do we seek God in AA? It's simple. 

DO THE STEPS!!

My experience and understanding of Step 1

In the AA Book the instruction for taking the 1st step can be found on the first page of the chapter "More about alcoholism."

Here is the instruction and what they found they needed to do:

"We learned we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholic. This is the first step in recovery."

Many assume that the summary of step 1 found on the list of the 12 steps gives the instruction for taking the step. It does - to a point. But if one does not read all of the Big Book from the Doctors Opinion through to the end of the chapter "More about Alcoholism"  then a thorough knowledge of what AA says alcoholism isn't gained. If one does not thoroughly understand what AA says alcoholism is it will be difficult to fully conceded one has the condition. If somebody doesn't understand that the condition of alcoholism as AA describes it is an allergy of the body coupled with a mental obsession they may not understand how dangerous a condition they might have and fail to be motivated to carry out all the 12 steps.

  I hear people in some meetings make the mistake of dwelling on unmanageability and how their lives were unmanageable. This sometimes happens when only looking at the summary of step 1 "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable" This is not the instruction for taking step l.

This is a mistake in that the point is missed about how truly hopeless the condition of alcoholism is. "The Doctors Opinion" through to the end of "More About Alcoholism"  make clear that they see alcoholism as a two fold disease of mind and body. An allergy of the body coupled with an obsession of the mind. Alcoholism is a dangerous condition and AA say's it's hopeless and chronic.

The 1st step instruction again is:
"We learned we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholic.

So to take the first step is simple. It is just conceding (or admitting) to myself through and through that I have alcoholism. Or fully conceding to my innermost self that I have alcoholism - as alcoholism it is described in the Big Book. Anybody with this hopeless condition usually has an unmanageable life. What alcoholic truly in the cups of alcoholism has a manageable life? Any alcoholic who has tried on their own know they also cannot manage their drinking by themselves.

So, again, how can anyone fully admit that they have a condition unless they understand it? In the beginning I certainly understood how much trouble my drinking caused me, but that is not the same as understanding that I have the condition (or illness) called alcoholism. ( I don't call it a disease here because in the Big Book it is not called a disease)

What I have learned by studying the book is about the first 3rd of the first 164 pages talks about alcoholism as an allergy of the body coupled with a mental obsession of the mind.

I have this same problem and this is how it works:

1) when I drink I cannot control the amount I take. (this is the allergy of the body part of alcoholism which produces a craving once I start to drink)

2) Once my drinking became a problem and I tried to completely abstain, I found I could not do it for very long; at most about 6 months and during those dry months I really suffered from alcoholism. When dry, my untreated alcoholism had symptoms like anxiety, depression, restlessness, irritability, discontentment and fear. If something happened during that time that was too much to take what would I do? I'd go back to what I know gives me the instant comfort -- drinking (and drugs). (This is the mental obsession part of alcoholism and how it works in me)

I found that through doing the 12 steps and thus, seeking a Higher Power, I got freedom and was saved from this problem of body and mind that the Big Book says is alcoholism.

Over 26 years and counting, my life has never been better. I've retired early, don't want for anything. I have a lot of time to help new alcoholics which is one of the most rewarding things I do with my life.