1) New perspective and attitude towards others -- perhaps the people who wronged us were spiritually sick
Big Book page 66 and 67:
This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, “This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.’’ We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn’t treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one.
2) Unofficial 4th column from the Big Book:
Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man’s. When we saw our faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight.
(see the last part of this post for questions to ask ourselves in filling out he 4th column of the inventory resentment list)
3) From my personal experience:
Looking at our resentments on paper can sometimes bring out their "childishness" or "silliness". Pop the balloon at how immature our resentments and anger can be. I look at what I've written and say to myself what a brat and jerk I have been to harbor such a resentment.
4) The famous "pray for the person you resent" part of one of the stories.
4th column questions:
A) Where was I not
considering that others toward whom I felt resentful were "perhaps
spiritually sick". Was I inconsiderate, not understanding or
acknowledging that they may lack the ability to be the people I think
they should be? Have I been DISHONEST with myself in thinking that people who I resent could do or say exactly the way I think they should? Were my expectations unrealistic that this person would be anybody else than who they or are capable of being?
B) What decisions based on self put me in a situation to be resentful or have to even deal with the person for whom I have resentment.
Example: resentful at police for my DUI.
My wrongs in the 4th column: being a selfish alcoholic and despite all warnings
of society drinking to excess and not thinking of others in the form of neglecting responsibilities and causing trouble for others) If I had not been driving drunk I would never have gotten the DUI and not have the resentment toward the police now.
Character
defect: Selfish, self centered (drank because I wanted to feel the way I
wanted to feel despite the consequences to others)
Decisions
based on self are decisions which involve trying to satisfy the basic
instincts illustrated in the beginning of the Step 4 Essay in the 12 and
12 Book. (see page 62 in the AA Book, first full paragraph to for the
origin of this concept)
The 3 Human Instincts
- Security instinct (Material and emotional)
- Social
instinct ( having friends and relationships or social prestige.) Social
prestige is about holding or ambitions to hold a position/title within a
social group, such as a leader, manager, VP, chairperson etc. The desire to feel prestige in any social group we belong to. Could be the AA fellowship, a position at work or a position within any kind of social club.
- Sex instinct ( the desire to keep sexual relations or ambitions to have sexual relations)
Many times alcoholics and non-alcoholics make decisions based on fulfillment of these instincts (based on self) without fully considering all the possible problems. The fulfillment of these instincts can be so strong (self centered) that the decisions are made hastily without regard to possible problems because the person is solely thinking of fulfillment of one two or all of them. (making the decision based on self) Later these hasty or poorly made decisions may put them into positions to be resentful or in fear.
So we ask ourselves. Did I make a decision in the past trying to fulfill one two or all of the instincts hastily without fully considering problems (red flags) that may occur as a result of the decision. If so then my wrong or character defect is revealed in the motivation behind the decision.
Another example. I resent my wife, she cheated on me.
4th column:
I made made a bad decision in marrying her in the first place. Before I married her I ignored possible problems
because she was so beautiful and made me look good to my friends. I
ignored her bad temper, her rudeness to people at times. I let it slide
when I caught her occasionally lying to me and her friends and went
ahead and married her anyway. She was so beautiful and all
my friends thought I was a badass to have her as a wife (fulfilling my
sexual instinct and my social prestige). So I went ahead an married her
even though the red flags were there that she wasn't very honest and
kind at times. It should be no surprise that she cheated on me. She showed me what kind of person she was long before we got married but I ignored the red flags because she was so beautiful and I liked the attention I got from my friends about her.
Character defects: Lazy: didn't leave her even though the red flags were there. Afraid: thought there would never be another one like her for me. Lust: she was so beautiful and the sex was amazing. Pride: I loved the praise from my friends about my beautiful wife.
C)
What wrong(s) did I do to the other person that made them retaliate and
create resentment towards them? What wrongs had I done to them that had
them turn around and mess with me and then be resentful at them for it?
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